can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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