Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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