he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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