Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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