Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
