i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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