brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
