She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
