he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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