theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
