You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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