two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
