it wasn't lemon gatorade
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I met the friendliest cop last night
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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