My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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