Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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