Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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