My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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