Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
