I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
