I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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