I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
