Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
