I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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