I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Randomize