1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
