I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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