Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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