His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
