I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
