pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
