so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
