Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
