my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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