when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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