i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
