Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
