im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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