Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
whose ass print is on the piano?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize