Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
