the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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