I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
