I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
