a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
