The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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