Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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