ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
you had me at cake vodka
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
