were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
