This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
