If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
