Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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