On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
