I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
