She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
