I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
