toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
