i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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