conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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