Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
