I'm gonna have a badass scar
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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